Treating Ourselves
Socrates famously argues, in Protagoras, that you cannot choose an option you do not take to be the best. Or, in other words, you cannot have a "weak will."
This is a strong claim—after all, we often feel that we are weak-willed. We know that doomscrolling on TikTok is the worse option; we know that we ought to be doing something else, we ought to be reading, or perhaps even writing our Substacks (I sadly have myself in mind here...). Yet, still, we go on and do what we know is worse for ourselves.
And a lot of ink has been spilled over this paradox! Some philosophers, for instance, will say that right at the moment of choosing, you changed your mind. Up until your decision, maybe you thought that it was better to work than to scroll, but eventually scrolling got the better of you, and, when the chips were down, that was actually what you thought was best.
But this is not important for our purposes, at least today. What is worth noting is that this is an interesting paradox. But I am more interested in examining a parallel one.
We often treat ourselves unfairly. We hold ourselves to standards that we do not impose upon others; we imagine that singular events will define the rest of our lives (in a way that we would NOT for others). This is common enough.
And, secondly, we are very often aware that we have done this. Reflective people often admit that they hold themselves to standards that are unreasonable. For instance: "I don't know why I treat myself this way. It is clearly unfair. Who knows, I hope I get over this soon."
I want to spend some time thinking about this mode of relation. Because, at first glance, it bears some similarity to the paradox we started with.
We admit that we are not doing what we should—in this case, we are not "treating ourselves" as we deserve. We are forming the wrong sorts of beliefs—beliefs we take to be unjustified, or inconsistent with other beliefs we hold. We are being ‘too hard on ourselves.’ — But this implies that we could be less hard on ourselves. So, then, I ask: if we know we are not treating or thinking about ourselves as we should, why—and how—do we go on treating ourselves improperly?
This should be even more confusing than the initial case of TikTok scrolling. After all, in that case we might still admit that there was something desirable about watching such videos, even if it was not, all things considered, the best for us. But we do not do this here—there is nothing, after all, "desirable" about treating ourselves unfairly. So why go on doing it?
Now, I imagine that if I were to raise such a question in a conversation, the response would be something like the following:
There's nothing paradoxical about that at all! After all, it's not like I am choosing to be unfair to myself. In the initial case, what was hard to understand was how someone could choose what they thought was worse for themselves, but there is no such choosing here. I simply wish that I had treated myself better. But it is out of my control to actual do so (this is my problem).
But in what sense is how we treat ourselves out of our control? We can control how we treat others. Why is it different in our own case, and what does this difference consist in?
It is hard to say how something like "being too hard on myself" is not in my control. It is not like a reflex. Self-doubt is sadly much more involved and intentional than, for instance, jumping back at the feeling of a hot table. But it is not a decision, either. Or, at least, that is what our responder wanted to reject. So what is it?
Though, if I notice while I am doing it that I am engaging in it, that knowledge can sometimes make a difference. But it can also sometimes fail to make a difference. What's going on here?
I’m not sure, but it is quite interesting. I’ll be thinking more about this. I hope you do the same.